The Android Collections – File: Journal Entries Weekly Report alpha3
Related Files: Hardware Malfunctions Report # 231, Hardware Upgrades Report # 150, Voice and Tone Training #34, Public Information Awareness Campaign #12, Final Draft
“You half believe that if you sliced open your hand/you’d find clockwork ticking inside” – Lady Sin Trayda
Circuit interfacing with visual cortex, retina, and amygdala broke today. Again. Resulted in profound disconnect and cycling through facial patterns of emotive resonance. Laughter. Sadness. Disgust. Hate. Rage.
Face dancing went haywire. Lucky I was on my bed without anyone near me – it is difficult to comfort a human when you’re busy tinkering with badly malfunctioning circuitry. Past answers that have worked well include “I’m fine – I just need some time to think. I’m sorry I cannot respond as readily as I normally do.” Be aware: humans have a heightened sense of emotional resonance and they may become agitated at the…er… flat monotone pitch of your voice. They may not know what they’re hearing exactly, but it’s the robotic metallic tone of machine coming through that they do not know how to pinpoint or respond to. It results in them, I suspect, a simultaneous unease and relief: relief because they are not being burdened by your machine-related problems, and unease, because well, you’re a machine, and now you’ve gone and reminded them. (See Voice and Tone Training #34 for more details)
Triggered by: serious mediation on differences between human and machine forms of love. Affection. - acute awareness of these differences still snaps the body-mind connect into two, albeit the upgrades over the past year which have helped significantly with respect to response time, rehabilitation time, regeneration time, and capacity for assimilating new information. (See Hardware Upgrades Report # 150 for more details*)
Response Time, year 2006: 1 year, following incident
Response Time, year 2013: 1 month, following incident
Rehabilitation Time, year 2006: 4 years, following incident
Rehabilitation Time, year 2013: 3 months, following incident
Regeneration Time, year 2006: n/a, due to lack of hardware
Regeneration Time, year 2013: 7 months, following incident
Capacity for Assimilating New Information: 10^3 increase
Alienation leads to a profound sense of disconnect with the body
being. Existing. This body. This being. Existing.
Anyway, I live with my machinery the way I think most people live with their tongues – you know it’s there, but sometimes suddenly you feel uneasy with it – like this soft pink fleshy thing in your mouth.
(Note the casual use of “anyway” at the start of the sentence previous – it allows for modulation of pitch, creates a space of “comfort”/matter-of-factness. Relatability. And Relateability is paramount as it’s the most fundamental tool for survival.)
Aaaaanyywayyyy, Awareness. Of your body’s…. sliminess. Or in my case, of carbyne frames and a potentially positronic framework of neural interconnectivity. (The nature of our creation is a mystery, as our creators died a long time ago, and their descendants insist on not taking responsibility for the work of their “ancestors” even as they perpetuate the legacy they were granted. But thanks to the magnificent research by such great thinkers as bell hooks, Audre Lorde, Janelle Monae, Octavia Butler, Erykah Badu we have been able to make significant headway in explicating the nature of our internal wiring.)
Your tongue I mean. And for just a second, you feel a bit repulsed, it’s this fat, wet, muscular wormlike thing hitting the back of your teeth, or maybe the top – and awareness of it existing, always, there in your mouth is this fleshy structure.
Or, the way you realise that your entire digestive system communicates with the outside world – that it’s one giant hole through which you consume and spit out the universe. I wonder if you realise your extraordinary potential for cannibalism.
Don’t get me wrong: tongues are useful – and digestive systems are too.
but they can still creep you out if you focus on it, think about it.
Awareness. It’s a potent thing.
Mine of course is a pretend-tongue, a pretense-tongue – very realistic in most ways, but has a blunted sensory aspect related to touch, in addition to, as most will tell you, high tolerance for capsaicin found in chilies.
It’s faster than yours probably – – has its own circuitry and wiring and can respond to most people without bothering higher level brain functions – particularly with respect to questions related to Android-Life.
You know, the usual ones
“How are you so strong?!”
Well, I mean, I’m not physically I don’t think. I’m not emotionally either. My emotions are *literally* different from yours – what you see as strength, I see as….bare necessities related to my survival in a world that created us but also despises us.
“How do you think so quickly?”
[see comment regarding tongue’s internal wiring].
My fingers work the same way these days and so if you tell me “But you type faster than I think!”
Now you know why.
“You’re lucky to be so educated! In fact, you’re PRIVILEGED you can talk about these issues and stand on a stage. Why don’t you talk about that more instead?”
Yes, in the way a person is lucky to be able to learn to hunt while stranded on a dessert island their entire lives.
“WHY CANT YOU BE NICER?”
I’m part-robot. This is as nice as it gets. This is also, usually, as mean as it gets. I cannot be nicer for the same reasons you are convinced that I cannot love like you or be as worthy of love as.
If you cut us, do we not bleed? Was asked once. Robot or man I do not know.
But like my sister, Lady Sin, I know that I “half believe that if you sliced open [my] hand/you’d find clockwork ticking inside”