I will write joy. I must write joy.

Every day has joy to bring.

Sometimes, some of us you have to search, sometimes it feels shameful to even look for it – this incredibly humiliating feeling of asking from life”I just… would… like a little happiness, please?”

but I will write joy, once a day.

But I want to be honest about something:

it’s humbling to seek joy in people and in myself.

It’s humbling to say to myself “I am trying to be happy. I am doing my best to seek out happiness. I have never been particularly good at this, and at age 14, wrote, some people simply tend to sadness; it’s just their nature, or maybe it’s nurtured but after a while, it becomes their nature. But I’m trying to be happy.”

There is a strange vulnerability to it that is very different from “I am in pain” – which is also true, there are days I am in pain, a pool of it, but this isn’t about that.

This is about  the little joys, which I think is all I really have access to. Little moments of kindness or thoughtfulness. I want to cherish these. I want these to be enough because I think for many people, there are only little joys.

We have to find some humanity in them, or else it would be… inhumane! ha ha.

I think maybe, I always wanted a magnificent joy to balance my sadness – a joy to move the earth to a new axis, a passion to create planets, a love that circulated through the solar system, but

it’s about the little joys.

This really is all there is.

I have to work out a way to appreciate it, without settling,without feeling mundane about it, or if I do feel mundane about, finding beauty there too. I have to find a way to be ambitious and looking forward while still being tender with the moment, as it happens, as it takes its shape through me.

Because it’s either joy,or

It’s either happiness, or

I don’t really know what I’m doing, is what I’m trying to say I guess.

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