“People who don’t see their nature and imagine they can practice thoughtlessness all the time are liars and fools. They fall into endless space.[…] They can’t tell good from evil. […]To attain enlightenment without seeing your nature is impossible. Still others commit all sorts of evil deeds, claiming karma doesn’t exist. They erroneously maintain that since everything is empty, committing evil isn’t wrong. Such persons fall into a hell of endless darkness with no hope of release. Those who are wise hold no such conception.” – Bodhidharma
“Contrary to popular misconception, karma has nothing to do with punishment and reward. It exists as part of our holographic universe’s binary or dualistic operating system only to teach us responsibility for our creations-and all things we experience are our creations.”-Sol Luckman
My regrets are for what I did or did not do; regret is just another word for responsibilities that went unfulfilled, the accounts of the soul that are due; the interrogation of deeds, the moment of seeing myself in Truth: all of me, flesh, and blood, bone and muscle and ill thoughts and good thoughts in the bathroom mirror, how partial is the reflection? How clear can I make it? It is time to seek out and dust my organs, yes, all the corners behind the fridge and the stove, those parts we avoid.
My regrets are for what I did or did not do. And my regret will never again be for what was done to me. (Indeed, nothing was done, could have been done, can be done, to Me, even if things were done to me.) This is the truth of recovery, of finding a way back to mySelf, not victim, nor survivor, but both and also, more and more these days, neither. I am me and i was once a different she, and I have changed in perhaps the most important ways but I have also not, in the ways more important than those, for I am still Me, as ever.
I have listened closely to the spells my body wove, soundless deep muscle magic, a cocoon crooning, web-spun, spider-silk-soft with time, if you listen closely, you will hear every incantation, coded in my DNA. This is what they say: Wounds: heal. Scars: fade. Skin: Grow. Toughen. Grow. More. More. Now Moult. Shed. Be soft and tender, whole again
scarless. Mind: change, over time only to understand that which is Timeless, Ageless.
When you remember who You are, let go of that which does not belong to you; just as your legs bear your weight, your soul only bears the fruits of your life and of course no one else’s; no matter how much you struggle to lift them, you will not be able to. What you have internalised as your shame is simply the reflection of his guilt, whether he acknowledges it or not. And his guilt is not meant for you to carry; it is his. His fruits, his burdens are not meant for you to carry. (Each of ours is meant for each of us alone, until we recognize Self – but the path to recognizing that Self is lined with fire, अग्निपथ, and not everyone can follow it.)
“As the blazing fire reduces wood to ashes, similarly, the fire of Self-knowledge reduces all Karma to ashes.”-Bhagavad Gita
Let go of those regrets which do not belong to you: He split himself that night in two by trying to drink from your soul; and he emptied his cup instead, broke it there against your flesh, lay there bleeding, tattered inside you, gasping like a fish out of water, because he was. He maimed himself on your softest parts when he tried to eat you alive. You didn’t know? Then let me tell you, that your skin, tender, that night was a whip, covered in thorns, flaying his body away from his Spirit. He took nothing from you: how could he have, when his own intent, action, tamas charred his fingers? But you, your Spirit cried out for his – that part of him could not bear what he did, and It fled from behind his eyes; they emptied, Lifeless, you see, not because you didn’t matter, but because you did.
This is the Law of Life: Life cannot be eaten, consumed, destroyed – it only briefly flees those who try to harm its sacred iterations in each of us. And when people lose their connection to this Source, however briefly, they experience a type of death.
And what you sensed was not your lack, but his – that sudden severing of his soul from his body, the shuddering recoil reverberating through yours over the years, for this has always been the balance of Life:
The robber, robbed tenfold, as he robs.
The rapist, raped of his soul, as he rapes.
The curser, cursed threefold, as he curses.
“People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead.”-Edith Wharton
He lost something that night, a piece of that Eternal Light and Truth that fled from him, a piece to which he will remain accountable for eternity, that if he were ever to Truly face, will never let him forget what he did. Indeed, this Truth will lay bare to him the full impact of his actions. To regain his Soul, he will have to stop running away from himself, and seek out his Self – that Self that echoes too in you. He will have to stop running, and scry with sincerity, find the evil in him and excise it. But what must it be like to see a rapist staring back in your bathroom mirror? To see it in stone, in dirty Montreal pothole puddles? To see the worst parts of what you have done, everywhere you go? To live with the full knowledge of the horror of rape? To be left without excuses, without rage, without any defenses, and only the Truth: that he is many things, among them, a rapist. A rapist. That this is is a part of his life, his truth. That he branded himself with that word, his soul screeching in agony as he did it, fleeing, burned, away from him, away from such an action, and to only return when sought out sincerely. How would he begin to understand his emptiness? How would he begin to survey the damage done to his own tattered soul? How would he begin to stitch it back together, and atone? How would he be able to face his higher Self? These are not questions for you to answer or for you to ponder; they are his. What he has lost is not for you to find or replace. I am telling you this so you know that they are simply the laws of Life in action.
And if he cannot face that part of him – and most rapists cannot – he will have chosen an empty death, a Lifeless life.
“Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.”-Dalai Lama
This is balance. This is consequence. This is justice.
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