How to be a Crazy Ex Girlfriend or The Crazy Girl’s Guide to Healing or It’s Ok To be a Crazy Bitch or How to Get a Goodbye Without Asking For One

I wrote this because I was sick to death of advice telling women to basically swallow our feelings, to write letters but never send them, to never ever engage with an ex about hurt feelings, wrongs, misdeeds, to just “take the high road” – as though dignity can only come from silence. It doesn’t always. What I propose is just owning your feelings to such an extent that you don’t care what the other person thinks. Write a letter. But send it too. Send the motherfucking letter. Do it. Send as many letters as you like. Write whatever the fuck you want. Unashamedly. Heal. Unashamedly. Ask for nothing from him. No closure, no explanations, no nothing. You need nothing from him. But write. tell him his truth, tell him your truth. tell him a truth. Leave him with a reality. Did it get to the point where the relationship was something you could never hold as true, as real, as genuine? Then leave him with that same reality – make him question who the fuck he was in it, if he made you question who the fuck you were in it. Write. Write until you’ve exhausted yourself into indifference (or he blocks you, or asks you to stop – respect boundaries). Write until it’s done and dead and buried and desecrated. Some people only heal by coming out the other side of a grave of a relationship ok so if you’re a grave digging girl that needs to burn the corpse of a relationship do it. Be that girl. Be his nightmare. Be every man’s nightmare. Your priority is you. Do what you fucking want and do what you fucking need.

  1. Give 0 fucks about his feelings – stop caring. You don’t need him. You don’t care about his opinions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, ANYTHING. You don’t care about his life. you don’t care about his support. You don’t need his validation. You need a place to send your feelings to and that is what he is. Don’t give a fuck if you get a goodbye or not. Right now he is a human trash can for your feelings. That’s all. (not literally. this is a metaphor.)
  2. Own all your feelings – the hurt, anger, rage, love, sadness, humiliation. They’re yours.
  3. Dignity is not eating your feelings – it’s knowing them, every inch of them such that no one can surprise you with your own fucking self.
  4. Write a crazy email (nothing where you incite harm or violence to him or yourself – you’re not desperate, and you’re not violent – you’re just nuts. it’s ok to be nuts. do you fucking hate him? write that. Do you want him to feel hurt as you but you know he doesn’t feel that? write that. This is not about “how could you do this?” I mean you can ask that but ask it rhetorically because you don’t give a fuck about the answer, remember? This is not about getting answers. This is about the kind of closure that burning a bridge and all the islands around it can bring. This is not a peaceful ending – this is death and fire and brimstone – but it’s also about owning everything you feel powerfully. Did you do nice shit for him during the relationship that you feel he’s no longer worthy of? Tell him that.)
  5. Send the crazy email (who cares? do you care? what’s the worst he can do – call you crazy? You are crazy, it’s ok. You know you are. KNOW YOURSELF.  Be nuts as fuck. you’ve earned it – there’s no shame in the crazy anymore. What else can he do? He could write back with crazy shit – so what? Respond back. Don’t respond back. Take it as it comes. He could block you . So. What. SO WHAT – let him – you are prepared for the uncertainty of the universe – the only certainty you have is knowing exactly what you feel and exactly who you are.)
  6. write as many fucking crazy emails as you like. Send them ALL.  or some! Send whatever you want. no more hiding any of your roller coaster feelings, your tornado self, your batshit insane attitude to life and to him – dare him to tell his friends and all the women that come after how fucking NUTS you were – do it. see how good it feels.
  7. Kill the corpse of the relationship – fucking desecrate it. Ruin it. Garbage it. Set the garbage can on fire (metaphorically, don’t actually engage in acts of physical violence – simply write out ALL your thoughts about how meaningless and worthless the relationship was)
  8. Do not tell him to hurt himself. Do not tell him you are going to hurt yourself. Do not actually hurt him or yourself or things or people he loves. Do not stalk him or murder his cat or any nonsense like that.  This is not about violence. This is not about retribution. This is not about vengeance.This is about justice for your feelings – the fullness of them. Do you know what I mean?

    Do not ask to make plans to see him;  this is not about making plans, this is very much about burning a bridge, or at least setting many matches aflame and dropping them into the aftermath of a relationship and watching the world burn – because didn’t you know: some girls just want to watch the world burn – why does that sound so much scarier than when the Joker says it? Because women will do it. We’ll go there. We’ll cleanly carve out the inside of a man’s heart (emotionally, not literally), and replace it with cotton and WalMart smiley faces and that’s all the dude will have for a little while until he recovers.

  9. On lonely days send the lonely messages. On the days you miss him send the messages about missing him. On angry days… well send your rage. Do what you have to do. This is NOT ABOUT feeling embarrassed because remember? He doesn’t fucking matter. Offer always to stop contacting him if he asks you to. Because boundaries are boundaries.
  10.  Now: when he asks you to please stop contacting him, respect it. Say, if you must, “I received your message asking me not to contact you anymore. I will respect it. I wish you all the best and all the happiness the world has to offer. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Thank you for saying goodbye. I will stop now ❤ ” Cease all communication. Boundaries are boundaries. Make this ending good and soft and gentle. Why? *crazy laugh* because you can. *giggle* 😉 because you are a crazy bitch and an insane witch and you got him to say goodbye out of sheer desperation and that is somehow more than good enough.
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