i am not traumatised not hurt not a beggar or a soldier not in pain not joyful not happy not sad not angry not broken not a token not depressed not anxious not harmed not harmful not empty not numb not extreme not ecstatic not enraged not desperate not grieving
i am whole and well and healthy and sleeping well and eating well and kind and loving and caring and gentle and present and conscientious and critical and Good and successful and reliable and responsible and balanced and dependable and fine when people leave and i am oh so very selfish you would not believe how selfish
i treat people fairly, engage in loving actions, listen, advise, validate, challenge respectfully, encourage growth, write, sketch, grow plants, have great boundaries, take things slowly, take nothing and no-one personally, connect with people easily, enter their lives easily, get bored easily, lose interest easily, leave people easily, am a good friend to those who are my friends, am nothing to most people as most people are nothing to most other people, like to help now and then, meet people where they are at
a) care, aka give a fuck, aka feel – not in the deep down way the heart and lungs way the bone marrow way the kidneys and organs and bladder control way the skin and teeth way the tears that never end way the gut punch way the slap in the face way the terrifying way the unconditional way the loving way the hating way the only way to really love or really hate way the unsterile unsanitised way the messy way the blood spinning in a centrifuge way the throat choking way the crazy insane bitch way the way a mother loves her kid and no other kid way the heartbreaking way the lose your breath way the have everything and nothing to say way the artist and the muse way
about anyone or anything
i don’t care
if you’re reading this i don’t care about you
i will never take a bullet for you or you or you or you or anyone
i will not save you from yourself or anyone
i will not ask you to save me either
b) oh – miss people when they are not around
all my feelings are for me,
watch me hold them all in a thimble,
there are not very many,
my heart is a walnut tree and it is mine mine mine mine
growing walnuts for me me me
sure, have one if you like.
and I guess I’ll have one of yours too.
secure attachment is for psychopaths and i’m pleased to say i am one now, why, yes it’s very nice to meet you.