I don’t date anymore. I have multiple romantic and sexual friendships that could end at any time that id be ok with ending. And I’m a lot happier. I don’t consider this poly and I don’t consider it dating. It’s not poly because they don’t owe me any sense of accountability about other partners and I similarly offer nothing about other partners. I don’t care if I’m deprioritised or if the other person is so long as people make decisions that feel good to them. I am ok with slowly losing touch or rapidly cutting off contact. And so it’s not dating because I have no feelings deeper than what I have for platonic friends. There is care and affection. People tell me “yes that’s what dating is. It’s just going on dates”.
I can only say I’m not so desperate for companionship or am so filled with emptiness that I could call these interactions that meaningful in the way I would call dating, loving, deep connections meaningful. I feel whole and full and happy with my life. I have lost my capacity to miss people deeply or even need people deeply and I think that means on some level I have lost my capacity to love others deeply too. And I think that’s ok and maybe “healthy”. People tell me I am dating in a “healthy” way now. But i resist this definition of health.
And I can only say dating to me is when I feel compelled to write poetry about someone.
And while my life is better, my writing has suffered a blow that it may never heal from. How can that be healthy?