fuckedup


people are so fucked up. do you ever think about it? how people, on the inside – how everyone is the same mishmesh of confused organs crying about some stupid time years ago, or a week ago, or a minute ago, or laughing at some stupid memory that still tingles along some path. life isn’t an endless series of disappointments if you know exactly how fucked up you are if you take the measure of yourself and then apply it to other people your fuckery is their fuckery too. not in the exact same way. not in the same part of the body. maybe you’re really good at, idk, helping people. and you’re shit at saying  no to requests for your help, meaning you never know if someone is in your life because they like you for who you are or because they like what you do for them. And someone else’s fuckery could look different – like maybe someone else sucks at helping people, but is great at saying no, meaning they generally have no friends and freak out about why they’re so unlikeable and why people DO leave. do you get what I’m saying? everyone is a fucking ghost inside, the long bones churning out little red blood cells and bullshit, kidneys filtering blood and you’re hoping you piss out all your flaws.

but you don’t, of course. no one does, of course.
I mean no one is human like people are in books. All my life I wanted to be a character, does that make sense I think every writer goes through that phase where they see their life as a book. a BOOK you know, like with a fucking goddamn point to it. no one is a person. but of course everyone also is.  everyone is human in the way you are. this is what humanity is. Take someone, anyone. stick em in a room. ask them questions like it’s an interview. watch them mumble, feel confused, trapped. let them out. feel superior for half a second before realising that’s humanity. that’s it. the churning thoughts the deadening questions the stupid shit the pretentious shit the fragmented moments where you think youre special the times you feel mundane and inconsequential – we’re all equally useless and irrelevant at the end of the day on the timeline of the universe.

i used to think everyone that didn’t like me, who i liked, was better than me somehow. i used to think as they got to know me they liked me less. i used to think crazy bullshit like this until i really fell in love and saw suddenly how fallible people are. how weak other people are. how people I loved have been not only less than perfect but sheer imbeciles – i don’t say this to insult them – i say it in the exact way I would talk about myself – for all our capacity for Goodness, all humans are just a fucking bag of stale walnuts on the inside too. That’s what we are: a strange mishmesh of conscious thought (whose fucking bright idea was that anyway – there should be a god with masculine pronouns so that we can blame him for this utter nonsense) and capacity to…to what. do good feel good be good, and also the exact opposite – everyone is as crazy as you at your craziest moments. everyone is as evil as you at your most evil – yeah everyone. Yeah, some people act on those evil thoughts and others don’t act as much on them – that’s the only difference between psychopathy and the general population. That’s a garter string thin line isn’t it? Ever had so much hate and vicious thoughts about someone for even half a second? Ever felt such intense vulnerability or love for someone? Ever felt totally numbed out Congrats, you’re a fucking weirdo like everyone else.  I finally figured out how the endless churning of a global ocean inside me was there in them too – no it wasn’t beautiful (i think for love to last, it has to be beautiful or something – that feels like a vague far off truth shimmering like some mirage of an oasis in a desert) – it was fucking motherfucking terrifying.

We’re all 5 years old, with aging bodies. that’s it. That’s like the actual reality of it. Growing up is just knowing that on a visceral level. #selfactualisation or whatever

that’s what the world- this world – is ruled by. Actually this more than anything convinces me there is no god – there is no way a sane, righteous, all powerful/very powerful being would ever think this? was a good idea.

it’s why familiarity breeds contempt. whoever came up with that phrase -probably some asshole british guy who realised the more he got to know people the more they started looking like hairy butts, just like his reflection – was dead right. absolutely 10000000% correct. the more you get to know someone the more you see each other’s fuckery in each other. in yourself. in them. it’s so absolutely unpalateable that I know for sure like 99% of “love” out there is some nonsense mixture of of codependency, lack of personal fulfillment, and validation. If to love someone is to know someone, that shit is decidedly doomed to failure – except for the rare 1% where you suddenly find yourself

in love with a coward.

in love with an  angry person.

in love with a sadboi or a sadgirl.

where you really wish these people the best no matter what. where your heart just hopes everything good for them and it doesn’t feel like idk someone filled your heart with volcanic ash and magma slowly turning to igneous rock – that’s love. I’ve had that twice now. Yeah. both of them were cowards who are terrible at being vulnerable and open, and both were good men. it’s not a contradiction in terms. all people are fundamentally good and all people are fundamentally also very stupidly HORRIFYINGLY fucked up.

And me?  I guess i’m that green witch in the purple shorts – you really wouldn’t like me when I’m mad but I wouldn’t really give a shit if you don’t like me because when the purple shorts come on, this bitch is done playing. whatever, i love my flaws and all that and anger is protective and all that.

anyway love is stupid too like everything else so you might as well just enjoy everything and that’s kind of the point of sisyphus when you think about it – like really, it’s all trash. a trash ball. that you roll up. and roll back down.

it’s why arranged marriages work  – and also why all marriage is a farce: because all people are the same so you really can love everyone and anyone (but lmfao why would anyone want to tbh, jesus what a goddamn chore) and also people are completely fuckedup so. it’s why hannah arendt wrote the banality of evil – but let me tell you it’s not just evil that’s banal.

it’s fucking everything. it’s why hindus came up with the cycle of birth and death and envisioned redemption as “away from this nonsense of consciousness as we see it/think of it” – but even that is such a farce haha, there’s nothing after this. this bullshit is what we apparently are saddled with.

all this to say: whatever the worst of you you think you are, you are probably worse than that – but don’t worry, so is everyone else around you. so is everyone else period.

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