half baked thoughts

Love is freedom but freedom is not running away from your life into someone else’s.
Love is tenderness but not the tenderness of a bruise.
Love is about being there for someone because you want to be there for them. and love is painful when it’s not returned but love doesn’t have to be reciprocal to be love but it’s best when it is reciprocal but reciprocity isn’t something that can be demanded, and doesn’t exist all the time. Reciprocity is a term. You get to decide if reciprocity is important to you or not. But either way love is freely given, and doesn’t deplete you when given. Love is opening up to receive without fear. Love is trust and gentle thoughts. Love is not caring about someone more than you care about yourself. Love is not caring about someone less than you care about yourself. Love is knowing someone. Love is being unable to help yourself when someone hurts you: you forgive them instantly. There is so much room for their humanity, but love isn’t making room for their humanity at the expense of your own.

Love is not:
ignoring someone endlessly and assuming they’ll be there for you
prioritising yourself at the expense of someone else

actually ignore this post i just thought of a better one.

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It’s ok

It’s ok. It’s all ok today. Sending you love and peace and good things always. It’ll be great. Hey it’s gonna be ok Ok? 

Some friendships just take time to find themselves. 

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Thoughts on September 4th

I think about  the banality of helplessness  and how it leads to cruelty the rain hitting the
window outside the cats under the mattress and in the box the tea in the mug on my brown desk its handle in my brown hands firm without a tremor blinking at my cat to tell her I love her blinking in a cafe to keep myself from crying and failing who even dumps someone in public isnt there a rule that says thats probably a terrible thing to do the sheer mundane quality of mens mistakes extreme in their ordinariness his orderly attitude to life which i now possess as all witches steal something from their lovers and leave something behind i wonder what i left behind hopefully nothing too awful the purse handle that has slowly been falling apart betraying how little i know to care for purses i’ve never bought which are too expensive for my tastes i think about gifts from people we don’t like what makes a gift a gift is a letter even a gift i think about how i am a robber and a thief stealing lovers’ happiness and peace and calm and leaving behind a plastic hollow toy heart made of nothing i think about sketching and singing and piano playing and i think maybe i am such a clever con artist too that i fool myself all the time memory floats like cat hair around me i am slightly allergic to them all and i sneeze and rub my red eyes and sneeze again i think about how my memories are like instagram filters paper thin and adjustable ‘vignette’ is my favourite these days but ‘soft glow’ also works and i keep trying ‘dawn cast’ but it never shows me a morning glow that i can enjoy and i’m not sure why mornings in my mind feel so different, there are many east facing windows in my house so youd think i know a morning when i see it and ‘vintage’ is pretty good too and ‘nostalgia’ reminds me of 80s films or the claritin clear commercials where she’s sneezing i don’t know how i feel about him anymore it feels like burnt plastic that i finally threw out it feels like a plant that never grew that i kept in the corner of my storage room the other day i saw ginger sprouting in one of the 8 pots that i have been meaning to throw out for a year it turns out ginger does well in partial shade but also all the other plants are dead and i haven’t watered the ginger in months and i was excited to see it grow it’s amazing what can grow when you do nothing but now i don’t know isn’t it a hassle i mean now how do i take care of it like i have no idea back when before when well it’s down there because before basically it just grew fungus when i gave it all the care and attention in the world and all the water and it just got moldy so i moved it from the table to the ground where the other dead pots and dead plant souls live and months later it’s fine no mold just ginger growing happily but i have no idea what to do with it now i feel like by looking at it with my saturn eye i’ve killed it already or maybe im just frustrated it’s like kanye west said one time in a twitter post he said i hate when i’m on a flight and i wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great i gotta be responsible for this water bottle i think about how a guy i thought i knew broke up with me with that line and found it funny at the time and i was just a little confused and hurt because it felt like he was saying i was a water bottle or the interaction and connection we had was a water bottle and i felt strange and then angry very very very angry and the funny thing is he kept calling what we had a ‘relationship’ and i laughed even the first time i heard that because no we didn’t have one but i guess the last night was really nice nice is such a stupid word but yeah it wasnt a relationship or a friendship or anything the weird thing is i felt he missed me at some point and maybe he still does who knows i just know that girl i was is dead and that is a good thing ive traded places with the girl from the other side of the universe the parallel world where she is successful and happy and maybe a little cruel to protect herself i am now that bitch that snake and i should have gotten more done this weekend but i didn’t and that’s ok it’s all ok a cat just jumped neatly into a box from up above the world so high and my grandma taught me twinkle twinkle when i was a kid and before i hated my accent and before my parents moved us to this shitty country and told me to ignore shitty bullies and before my uncle told me at 21: kids grow up despite their parents, not because of them and it’s true i guess and im just fascinated by shitty white boy comments on this going “oh this is really terrible writing” but he’d probably suck jack kerouac’s cock for dinner or masturbate furiously to chuck palahniuk and i hope i spelled his last name wrong i wonder where there is room for brown girls to be their whole selves i say their like im not one of them isn’t that messed up i thought brown boys were better but theyre trash too but its ok because im realising all people are trash all the time even me especially me and thats ok the world is gummo and thats why that movie terrified me were all in the bathtub scene were all in the basement scene with the clutter from the tornado and nothing really ever changes and my laundry timer just went off so now ihave togo bye

 

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Autumn Leaf

no one “makes” anyone ugly
no one will “bring out” your ugliness
but everyone is ugly around someone

Leave the people you want to be ugly around
around whom you become ugly
around whom you are ugly
leave when you feel the best
part of your soul overshadowed
leave when you want to say ugly things
leave when you want to do ugly things
to someone

leave to protect you both
leave because it is right to leave
leave and if the “why” is asked
you can be honest: “I am ugly now so
I must go”

And if after many months the ugliness fades,
it will be a different season
where beauty is possible again.

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Penny Swallow

the shadow stretches long across months
every man i meet has your smile
laced with ambivalence
i see it in my own reflection

things end.
i know things end.
it tastes like metal and ocean salt
and lime and blood in my mouth
when I bite my robot lips
and everything tastes like that now
new beginnings taste like
swallowing pennies

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Things I Learned From You -3

  1. What my soul is made of
  2. Who I really am
  3. Who I need to be
  4. How to be my own best friend, partner, lifemate
  5. What trust looks like and does not look like
  6. The importance of reliability, consistency, and being choosy
  7. How everyone is, at the end of things, the same
  8. What love really means
  9. What fear really means
  10. How to be authentic, and demand authenticity in return
  11. Authenticity is always vulnerable but vulnerability is not always authentic
  12. People don’t “make” you feel anything. No one makes anyone feel anything. How to own your own feelings as yours, completely inside yourself.
  13. How to accept disappointment in people and yourself and how to move on from it
  14. How to be alone and happy
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Health

I don’t date anymore. I have multiple romantic and sexual friendships that could end at any time that id be ok with ending. And I’m a lot happier. I don’t consider this poly and I don’t consider it dating. It’s not poly because they don’t owe me any sense of accountability about other partners and I similarly offer nothing about other partners. I don’t care if I’m deprioritised or if the other person is so long as people make decisions that feel good to them. I am ok with slowly losing touch or rapidly cutting off contact. And so it’s not dating because I have no feelings deeper than what I have for platonic friends. There is care and affection. People tell me “yes that’s what dating is. It’s just going on dates”.

I can only say I’m not so desperate for companionship or am so filled with emptiness that I could call these interactions that meaningful in the way I would call dating, loving, deep connections meaningful. I feel whole and full and happy with my life. I have lost my capacity to miss people deeply or even need people deeply and I think that means on some level I have lost my capacity to love others deeply too. And I think that’s ok and maybe “healthy”. People tell me I am dating in a “healthy” way now. But i resist this definition of health.

And I can only say dating to me is when I feel compelled to write poetry about someone.

And while my life is better, my writing has suffered a blow that it may never heal from. How can that be healthy?

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Small Mercy

some truths ripen in the after
the length of time stretches forever forward
a ribbon of cloud left behind by the moment;
it curves the sky into a past, and a future

the now is the now
it is not the then
the was
the will

“it won’t work” you said
please, please try to understand.
I tried, while you slowly
removed my heart and lungs
let my arteries search aimlessly
in an empty thoracic cavity
my eyes must have glazed over

but

it is a small mercy
that only one of us
loved.

it is a small mercy
that only one of us
lay wounded.

it is a small mercy that
it was me,
the woman who cannot die

the witch who will outlive them all

the girl who loves with a heart
outside her chest

it is a small mercy
you did not love me –
loving me would have killed you
in that everyday papercut bleed you
slowly dry way until we faded away,
until we ended again, months later.

we live in such a cruel world
in such a cruel time
in such a cruel place

it is a small mercy to have
had those precious moments
of beauty, to have
met each other at all

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Centre button poetry

pretty much all of the time but it’s not foolproof method to the point where we are not interested right to exist on this land is a good exercise in mirroring hi m e xperiencing I am not getting out of your seller is a good exercise in mirroring hi m y I am not sure what love or crushes without some level of need looks like a nice full pot of my friends are you still in a place to be able to train them to be able to train them to not be on counters and I love cats in my life where I don’t beg you and your family a lot to the n o r d to the n o f for a while but it’s ok after they’re done you can wring your hands into a fucking and the subsequent loss of any creative talent and the subsequent loss of any creative talent whatsoever in a few different journals and re envisioning my own path through academia on my terms of the time but it’s not foolproof method to be able to train them to not be on counters and I love cats in the kitchen but I wonder if I have a few different journals and re envisioning my own path through academia on my way to work if I drop off suddenly the same way that is also Scorpio moon s a cute  little pot came from big pot but I feel you can focus specifically on the themes that emerged rather than the women’s empowerment of my friends are you still in the kitchen but I wonder.

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